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Mates

1:40am Tuesday, 4th October 2011

KARL FAASE
ON BLOKES
The great Australian poet Henry Lawson once said, “The greatest pleasure I’ve ever known was when my eyes met the eyes of a mate across two foaming glasses of beer”. Perhaps Lawson should have got out a bit more, but at least he recognised that mates and friendship are really important. They change our perspective and make life that little bit easier for us.
As part of a University of Virginia research project on friendship, thirty-four university students were taken to the base of a very steep hill. The group was divided up: some were to stand next to a friend, and others were to stand alone. Each student was asked to estimate how steep the hill was. The students who were standing with a friend gave lower estimates of the steepness of the hill. The longer they had known their friend, the lower the estimate of the steepness was. Friendship makes life seem easier.
Ask a group of men who their friends are and a silence may fall as they realise that they have very few friends. We blame our work, our family or stress. But often it is the natural pressure of men posturing and positioning in groups that makes friendship so difficult. Often, the ingredients for close friendship don’t come naturally to us; we’re not open, we don’t listen and we don’t trust others with our friendship.
We need significant friendships with other men who will challenge us, build us up and help us to grow. Here are five keys to building better friendships for men:
1Overcome the desire for competition To overcome our desire for competition we need to follow the advice of the Apostle Paul who wrote in his letter to the Philippians, “Each of you should not only look to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4). The writer C. S. Lewis in his book Mere Christianity says that our greatest sin is pride. Pride is based on comparison. Men aren’t proud because we’re rich; we’re proud because we’re richer. That said, competition can have a positive place in our lives. But when we spend all of our time competing, we end up separating ourselves from other people, and especially from other men.
2Realise I am not the most important person in the world Again, going to the passage in Philippians, Paul says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but in humility, consider others better than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3). This is a very different way of looking at the world. In our consumerist society, it’s all about the individual; it’s about my bank account, my life, my space, and what I get out of relationships. This kind of focus makes it very difficult to build good friendships.
3Don’t look down on others In Matthew chapter 7:3-5, Jesus says, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Jesus is not saying, “Don’t make judgements”; he uses this great image of a plank hanging out of our eye to remind us not to be judgmental. Jesus is reminding us that instead of judging and criticising others, we need to find a way to build each other up.
4Be honest with one another In mateship there needs to be real honesty. At the end of Matthew chapter 7, Jesus says to look out for wolves in sheep’s clothing. When we recognise that someone is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, we may have to confront that person. There may be times when we have to make judgments about situations and be honest with our friends. This can even mean going to a friend and dealing with an issue. Jesus emphasises this in Matthew chapter 18 when He says, “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.”
5Learn to forgive We all make mistakes, let other people down and say dumb stuff. Because of this, we need both forgiveness and to forgive others. When teaching his followers how to pray, Jesus said, “Forgive our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Matthew 6:12). A couple of verses later He says, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your heavenly Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14-15). This very heavy statement reminds us that God is going to forgive us with the same attitude and standard of forgiveness that we use to forgive others.
Mateship will always be based on our ability to learn to forgive. Simon Wiesenthal, a Jew who had lost 89 members of his family in Nazi Germany, was asked by a dying SS Officer for forgiveness. He was unable to give it. He went on to write about this experience and question whether he had done the right thing. Although this is an extreme example of forgiveness, it comes down to the heart of what it is to be a mate: to learn to forgive.
We need male friends. We need them to stand with us; we need them to encourage us; we need to love them enough to confront them and allow them to confront us. They are a gift in our lives that should be fostered and treasured.
Karl Faase for “The Men’s Series” http://www.TheMensSeries.com.au